Language and listening are extremely important. Whether that is self-talk or how you communicate with others. In both cases, being able to hear yourself will set you apart. Being able to really hear others is the closest that humans get to a real superpower. I am not sure if it is a natural trait (like most things, I imagine some people are better than others), mainly because I have found is such a difficult power to acquire myself. Fortunately, for me and those close to me, I have learned a few tools and tips.
For me, job 1 was stop preparing to talk. Or at least notice that was what I was doing. Have you ever found yourself doing this? You were so anxious to get your point across, that you completely missed that last minute or so of what was said. I suffer from two other distractions like this;
I am a bit of a daydreamer, drifting away with my thoughts. Imagining something I’d like to do in the future or reviewing something from the past.
I am also easily distracted. Ask anyone who has tried to talk to me whilst the TV is on, or at a live event.
Tempting though it is to “style it out” and pretend that you did hear what was said, I recommend simply apologising (something like “Really sorry, I zoned out there for a second”) and asking the other person to repeat what they said.
A useful tip I got from a mentor, was to try and repeat back what you heard. However, this is not appropriate in all circumstances…
“Morning Paul”
“Morning Dave. How are you today?”
“I’m feeling good thanks.”
“So, what I am hearing Dave is that you are feeling good.”
Dave would think I have gone a little mad. The point is to prepare yourself “as if” you were going to have to repeat what Dave had said. You will find quite naturally that with this as your intention your attention is better. There are certain circumstances where repeating what you heard is extremely useful. For example, conflict situations (arguments and resolutions), complex discussion or sensitive ones.
During my time in sales, I learnt to deliberately not prepare for sales calls/meetings. I found my conversion rate doubled by doing this. Whilst preparing (perhaps over-preparing), I would imagine the customer’s issues and hence how I could help them. This led me into trying to steer the conversation to become the one I had imagined, rather than the one the customer really wanted to have with me. Once I noticed this about myself, I realised I was doing something similar with almost all “difficult” conversations. Once I stopped, they were less difficult.
Two fun Types to Spot
When you hear properly, you will be amazed at what you actually hear. Here are a couple of my favourites to spot;
The self-saboteur – this is when a person tells you exactly what they are trying to do by telling you that they will not. For example, “I am not selling anything” before they go on to start their sales pitch; or “I am not empire building” before they go on to try and justify the resources of half the Roman Empire.
Furious agreements – I have encountered these mostly as an observer and mainly in boardrooms (they usually fit into the complex or sensitive conversations mentioned earlier). If you were not listening carefully, you would be convinced by the body language, the volume and some of the language used that both parties were about to get physical. I repeat what I heard person ‘A’ saying and then person ‘B’, which was almost the same. Usually, I didn’t need to say much more, but sometimes it made sense to get them to agree that they were “furiously agreeing”.
A phrase I have become practically hypersensitive to is “we need to”. I estimate 90% of people use this phrase unconsciously. Whether conscious or not, it is designed to give the impression of contributing without having any real intent to act behind it. I believe the origin has its roots in the “Royal we” - the use of ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ by a single person, as traditionally used by a sovereign. When challenged, you will find that by ‘we’ they often mean ‘somebody other than me’ and by ‘need to’ they mean I ‘want’ this done. It is a subliminal, passive-aggressive instruction. Spotting the self-saboteurs and furious agreements can be fun, spotting someone issuing subliminal, passive-aggressive instructions can be vital to building a trusting, high-performance team. It will only take one challenge, like asking “who is we?” or “why do we need to?” to stop this behaviour (conscious or not) right in its tracks. If you do not, then be prepared for the sometimes-awful consequences.
Do you know any self-saboteurs? Perhaps you have spotted some furious agreements? I would love to hear about them. Get in touch below…
Be happy, healthy and helpful
Paul
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Thank you olkawanat1. I am delighted it helped! Be happy, healthy and helpful Paul
What you wrote about "we need to" is spot-on. It made me realise that I overused this phrase in some of my recent conversations and most probably it's because subconsciously I didn't want to take responsibility for what "WE needed to do". Thank you! I'll do my best to change it.