Most people consider being selfish a bad thing. Selfishness is filed in the category bad. Being selfless, on the other hand, is filed generally under good. Is it really that simple and clear-cut? Like so many things in life, it is not. There are many large grey areas. The primary difference between selfless and selfish is your focus. Are you primarily concerned with meeting the needs of others (selfless), or your own (selfish) needs?
Q. Why can’t a fisherman be generous?
Beware this false dilemma. Society is built (largely) on reciprocity and fairness i.e. I do [X] and you will do [Y], nearly all our transactions and interactions work this way. They almost always result in a win/win. If you are faced with an either/or choice think – where is the ‘and’ option or are there additional options I can think of. Take a look at blog #004 – The Oppression of ‘OR’, for more on this. It’s a simple concept. However, I have seen it change lives and businesses in astonishing ways.
In the modern, networked world having a selfish reputation can be extremely damaging. Your reputation is what silently and invisibly walks through the door before you. We are rarely blunt enough to say someone is selfish directly, but we all know what is meant when someone says, “No, I wouldn’t talk to [Dave] about that. Talk to [Steve] he’s a good guy”. The implied meaning being [Steve] is probably more trustworthy than [Dave]. People labelled as selfish are often considered unworthy of trust, as they tend to have their own needs as a focus, rather than others.
Your reputation is built up over time through your actions being observed by others. Those actions eventually “give away” your personality, but actions do not occur in isolation. As a bare minimum, any action happens in a context (environment, people, mental state, etc…) and has a cost (time, energy, other resources). Even though we may be directly involved, it is not possible to understand all the variables that result in a certain action. Therefore, I never judge someone as selfish; or selfless for that matter.
I think of it slightly differently. We are all capable of both selfish and selfless acts. Even some of the most selfless of acts often involve some form of secondary gain (a reward for the cost invested). Selflessness can also be a mask to hide behind; hiding weakness or avoidance.
A. Because their business makes them sell fish (sorry couldn't resist).
I am tempted at this point to dig deeper into the context and cost issues or pose some almost impossible (and no doubt unfortunate) dilemma for your conscience to wrestle with. Instead, I prefer to end with this.
The personal development industry is rife with something called “self-care”. The logic being, you must take care of yourself to be able to take care of others; or how can you give if your glass is empty? This is one of those false dilemmas I mentioned earlier. Be confident about giving your last drop if you want to. The Universe has a way of topping you back up or giving you a second larger and fuller glass.
Be happy, healthy and helpful
Paul
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